I needed a wake up to realize that i was going down the wrong path, but I am honestly working on it. The beauty of a movie date is that you can sit back and enjoy an hour or two without having to do any work at all. But I love my gf and she left me and she says she cant trust me anymore but that she still loves me. I approached him with the way I felt about a situation in a mature way, and now he is pushing me away and saying he needs time alone. 3 years ago my feelings changed, and everyday since than Ive tried to get them back. I really dont know what to do. I trusted him. He claims it is just an intense friendship. It doesnt matter if that is true. Unlike Psychologists who say it is a big boundary crossing to see one or another person and the couple together, MFTs feel that is a helpful way to get to know each person as a person. I stood my ground and wanted to give her final hug but she refused. It was from a girl I asked him not to talk to or hang with, when going through the messages he was telling her that he was becoming distant from me and was starting to like her and wanted to hang out with her. Hello dr. Since my brothers passing everything changed for me I changed. I felt like i fell out of love with her when I read that. He got to know about that. Suddenly she called me 2 weeks ago on Thursday at 6PM but i didnt answer. I do everything for my husband and do my best to keep him happy I cook homemade meals every night he is home, I make his plate, I pick up his plate, I scratch and rub his back almost nightly, and we have sex often (always have). How do I do my part in fixing this? I loved my girlfriend Tanya but whilst I was going through a rough time I spoke to another girl and it relived my stress and made me feel happy.I thought I started to get feelings for this girl (it wasnt I just liked talking)and I told my gf. Also, I told him I dont do anything. If he continues with the AA or whatever special dependency counseling he has and a high quality therapist, he could make very good progress PROVIDED the rules are clear and no one (including the therapist) enables him. Any advice would be amazing. We were in the same house together for most of this time and slowly it turned into taking a break rather than breaking up. What can I do to get her back? He is a musician and loves to perform on stage with his band. I sincerely hope you dont mind I posted a link to TEDH article. I could feel your sadness and dismay when I read it. She was upset really bad and I said I will not give her anything. Dear Dr. Deb, I am now in therapy and dealing with my issues, should I let my wife go? I would feel guilty every time I was talking about my interests because I knew he wasnt as in to them as I was, and I was probably boring him. Sitting at a table in our garden with every candle lit & blinking invitingly; scattered around our garden table; sharing a bottle of wine together & a take-out pizza whilst writing our vows & dreams to each other on a note-pad over ice-cream & hot coffee .. would have been magical. Please consider personal therapy with a trauma specialist. But it isnt, especially at the wrong object. i am trying doc. There are times when I think that this is a possibility and times when it is not. 5: Another idea among the 15 ideas for a perfect first date is to do something that will make her laugh Deb 3 Keys to a Spectacular Marriage is on the menu of my site. I must add I have never felt worthy of his love. Her response discouraged me. But i am welling to work things out if we put the effort together. What advice do you have? We had an argument and I said it was over, I was going. She said she opens up and I close off and hurt her again and she wants out, she does not want to be intimate ever, ever again and she doesnt want a relationship with me in the future. At first it felt like a dream until he hurt me once more. Hello, He did every thing for me and my kids. After I hurt him too many times, he put up a wall. He said that they were at the pharmacy then going to see a moviehe said we could do out date on sundayi was so mad and hurt. If anything, I am more weepy and depressed than ever before. One morning while waiting for the school bus to come and pick up my daughter, she came outside swearing at me that we clearly missed the bus and told me to start acting like an adult. I was the only person who truly loved and cared for her. We soon had a child, and bought a house. I know i have hurt him so many times when i didnt choose him and he walked away . He cares about me but I have pushed him away so many times that the love is gone. He has even told me he wishes to marry me. and i look like a liar and a cheater. I mourned for him begging and crying. I know I did not handle it right myself. i have broken it all . I get home the next day and she breaks up with me and says I am not in her future. After a day of feeling so heartbroken and finally turning to God for the matter, I sent her a message saying I realized what I was doing to her. Hes hurt me so bad and he wont even talk to me or answer questions that I have. I just want her to know Im a actually doing something for myself. Then he had a tendency to want to have sex and Id tell him O,you just want my body. I think Im getting/am depressed and will be going to a doctor for help on Friday. We were literally inseparable from the first day we met and have been ever since. Thats why you dont want to let go. He needs professional help as well as AA meetings. He therefore was distancing himself emotionally. She did not. Every time I try to move on I cant and end up talking to him but in the back of my mind I dont know how it will ever work since I have massive walls up due to our past that I feel like are impossible to break down. Wont he be too secure or bored? The way you had it in the first place was correct: He has to shape up and then you can see 6 months if he remains clean and sober, having worked through the 12 steps, gotten a sponsor, taken responsibility, acted like a grownup, then maybe you can start to warm up. Have a convo. Yet we do not have to listen to The Persuaders' soulful vocals to know that love and hate can coexist. Not a lot of time seeing each other. ), but deep down, Im still really hurt that he set me aside like that. A person experiencing dementia might display love and hate to their caregiver within the same few moments. When lead singer Douglas Smokey Scott laid those vocals down, it was because his woman had sliced him up like cold cuts after he had stepped all over her night after night. This past week she saw that I was very unhappy and that it was causing a lot of problems to our relationship so she decided to close the open relationship, now idk what to think. Hes aware that he may have closed the door to us doing anything with other people completely. He is angry with me will not talk to me. Part of your therapy will also be to put yourself in her shoes. Ive been with my husband for 26 years. Its easy to see when people are lying. He told me this 2, 5 months ago but a week after that he called me (it was a great festivity in our town that we usually celebrated together) and it was amazing! Generally in cases like this BOTH people have something to learn about life. I Have caused him so much pain and deep hurt. thats the way i wanted to be, the way we have always been. 2. We started marriage councilling and I began seeing a life coach. Things were going pretty well after that. I do not feel appreciated and basically he feels entitled to this because he is the sole provider.Intimacy has become a chore for me as my desire has not been for him for a long time. You see, he is blocked from his feelings because that is his SAFETY zone. He started talking to a 22 year old in South Dakota through Skype. Can he fall back in love with me and not want to get a divorce. Our relationship when we got back together two years ago was amazing. I wish he could look past everything and not care about my past and just love me for who I am. Sit down and read new testament. When you were in love with him, he was not in love with you. I dont have a problem with platonic friendships of the opposite sex but after 10 weekends I told my husband how I feltI explained to him that he had stopped doing the little things and that I wanted to spend time with him. im so confused, not too mention there has been a pregnancy and miscarriage too since he said i no longer love you, it was his baby. finally 1 month before our 9th year anniversary i had enough after him coming home wasted and getting aggresive with me. No support from family or anyone else. What actions can we take to help him open up? So therefore I feel this will never change. Hope this helps. How do I go about trusting him when I am not home. This was entirely my fault. Can you give me a few words of advise? One thing she did mention was that she has been having panic attacks one that bad she had to get a work friend to drive her home. Im so confused. I am thinking there is more going on than you are aware of. Hes not wrong. Rebuilding love after emotional damage can be difficult, but through forgiveness and effective communication a damaged relationship can be heal. Isnt it funny that he showers you with gifts and suddenly wants to marry you AFTER you had sex? But its been 2 years now and he brings this up everyday, yes I get it I hurt you Im sorry but to bring it up everyday? He is impatient and rude with me, says hurtful things. Please take care of yourself by getting counseling to give yourself the self-love that you need to make up for what your parents didnt give you. He told me he loved me, but not how little or that he was making himself ill trying to feel as he did at the start. Thats 45 minutes walk. Do you have any suggestions? Please see a therapist to unravel this. I told him I wouldnt hurt him the ways I had any longer. Weve gotten physical. Great. since january he started acting strange and then he said his foot his not in this relationship anymore. She is denying it and he admits it. Very passionate, she sent me cute text messages multiple times a day and each time we were together she would text afterwards how amazing it felt to be with me. We have to start telling ourselves that we are a good person, that we were born to give the world something special, that life is meant for us to be happy with, and so forth. Within the first 3 months he started changing. I broke up with my boyfriend for 3 years. Ive dated for a couple years and was in a serious relationship for two years but ended when I wanted marriage and she didnt. Since then (start of october) we tried traveling together for 3 weeks to nepal, subletting anapartment together (we got out of ours in october) and i cant seem to make it work, im restless, im crying every day a few times. I love my husband with all my heart, I love my kids and my family and I believe, when there are kids, a marriage is worth saving. Should I wait him to contact me or should I make the move and give him my support? He found me using drugs three times. Didnt know if trying so hard all the time was worth it. We all go through hell. No more time for me. Would he find you less attractive because you werent perfect? bring her to meet ur parents. Im sorry this is so long and rambling, this is the first site Ive felt comfortable talking on, and the only friend I talked to about this is poly, so she just didnt understand why I was uncomfortable with him doing more if I left them together to do anything. Someone looking at our life from the outside would think we have it all; a beautiful family, two successful careers, a nice home and great friends. Ive talked about this with him but he doesnt understand why Im doing this to myself. hes attracted to me? Then is it to late to save my marriage and get my husband back because hes so in love with this other woman. Being sorry isnt enough. Maybe one day you'll know the unconditional love that compels a bleeding soldier to drag a friend with war torn legs out from the jungle and into the one and only seat in the heli. about her..i need help please. Weve had a wonderdul 7yr marriage, both our second time around. I cant ever tell him because once I told him Id kissed another guy and he couldnt take it.I cant imagine telling him I had sex with more than a few guyshe would die or kill someonemy question iswhat do I do??? I had to accept his new life abroad and now we are back together. I told him I was tired of the lies. Her going crazy telling me just to admit it and tell the truth. Ive been working with my wife on repairing our marriage. He says his feelings havent changed for me he just needs time to clear his head. I dont even like being around his kids any more because I know it will cause an argument. He decided while he was in his truck to start a dating profile. My spouse is trying to be patient, but I still dont think he really gets the emotional toll his affair had on me, even though it was several years ago. I want to rip the pain away. So i refused to give her simple and straight forward answer. But now he says he feels numb. I have been lying and cheating the entirety of my relationship. And i really do love him with all my heart and soul. They had sex twice. No one deserves that or to be given a second chance. She said she does want us to fix our relationship, but she does not now if its possible because she feels her love for me was damaged. Meaning, is your bf more assured? It seemed like the most reasonable less extreme option. My question is. He genuinely tells me that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. I think your reaction to being betrayed is perfectly normal. He hated the arguements and most of all he felt I had betrayed his trust. Then tried to get back together few hours later. My husband chooses to pretend that his emotional affair; disinterest in our commitment to each other or lack of regular physical intimacy has ever happened drives me insane. You made my night truly, I dont even know how I came across this lolbut im here and im reading this thread and I want you to know that you are so wonderfully kind. Give him the time he needs or this will not work. While this article confirmed a lot of what Id felt to be true, it still helped. perhaps even for the first time. He thinks I always want to argue about little things. Literally the day after we were married he was a completely different person. She broke up with me because she is deeply hurt and betrayed . My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I want him back. Another idea among the 15 ideas for a perfect first date is to dress to impress So you get the best solution: Fall in love with the guy you WANT HIM to be and then tell the real person to change into that guy. This ended in me storming out of his apartment and leaving my promise ring there. She even on my Birthday while I was gone that week said I feel lucky to have you in my life. The thought of not being with him hurts . No need for me to jump back in so quickly. One day were happy, the next were borderline broken up. Yes, when I am asked. You have to do what makes sense to you now. We had been together 9 months and things werent always perfect but I was so in love with him. So she came to my place and looks big. A person cannot set aside their insecurities. Insecurities become part of a persons very identity and that in turn governs their choices. Then hed be fine. Until the time arrived for him to choose between two different jobs, one in his country and one in the country where I live. we tried to end things on numerous occasions but because we felt so deeply about each other, we continued. any advice, I have been in this situation before and its not easy. I never cheated or anything.It just, during the past 3 years, I have been harsh on him with words to get him to be a better person. Was I wrong to have done this? My girlfriend recently left me and I cant seem to get over it. He has told me I need to get back the strong woman I once wasthe one he fell in love with. Come to find out my husband has been in a relationship since June of this year with his co worker. Because I finally sm telling the truth about the wolf snd now there was nobody to believe me. She lives next door with a guy and told my BF that we should switch partners. I was caught looking through his moms medicine. Maybe you can do that for him. His wife tried to call me and I never pick up. This is the most painful thing Ive ever beenthrough and Im just looking for answers. I know Im faced with the burden of him having that ugly image of me, making this task harder, but how do I go about this? She told me if she had not cheated on me, she would definitely stay with me. Someone this emotionally unavailable for you is very selfish. My husband handed her the keys & walked away. Save it for the right woman. Im not going to apologize for what I type. So she said I live with his mother. Oh well. Of course, I dont want him to stay out of duty, but I dont understand how were not even part of his choices. what we can do together to connect emotional again, what we need to change or what i need to do to save my married ,And make him feel in love again with me, thank you iam in a lot pain and emotional am devastered . How can i handle this please any one any good advise or DR beb any suggestion is a way to put this relation back again. I want to hate him because I think hes a horrible human being as she is for having done this when he should have just left if he wasnt happy. ever since we found out her mom was moving, her attitude has changed very drastically in the sense where I can tell something is bothering her. And flirted but nothing physical and if I wasnt high I would never dream if doing that. But I didnt like that he was still entertaining her calls. These are question he needs to hear. I feel stupid for staying this long. I it obvious to me shes not gonna let me be. While hes been nothing but open, honest, and loving, I managed to let my past color my view of him, and treated him in a way that would normally be directed toward my exes. What should I do? I sincerely thank you. Anyway, I seem to want he tot forgive me, make up her mind to make this work no matter what, and move on. 3. The anxiety has brought so much stuff up that bother me (things that didnt bother me or wouldnt bother anyone but the anxiety and depression and adhd are making me irretated all the time) Any advice? but recently, within the last few months I have made so many huge mistakes by saying so many hurtful things and though I am deeply ashamed and regretful of my actions and my hurtful words, I know that sometimes people cant ever be forgiven and cant ever be loved again. You just cant turn that kind of love off. This is normal: teens are just starting life and they really havent enough life experience to be secure. I love him so much and Im so angry this has snowballed. He refuses to feel anything. I really didnt think that my husband we get upset but he did and was completely embarrassed. There was a gorgeous movie I once saw in Chinese (I think) with English subtitles: Hang the Red Lantern (or something like that). She doesnt need the marriage counseling, anyway. On IG, he was chatting up another too. I want her to forgive me and I am trying my best to understand how I hurt her. What is going on?? So to what am I doing I could ask you the same one of my doing and I crazy to continue to hold on hoping and praying and I have a very strong faith in my religion he does not. That is not healthy. You need to understand who you really are before trying to present who you think you are to someone else. Trying to figure out how to bring back that love joy happiness back. I cant say it was all bad though he is an amazing father to our children, he has always loved me, and he changed a little every time and that always gave me hope. He told me to file for divorce the other day, two days after he asked if I would take him back.my heart is breaking all day long over this. Life can be excruciating and thats part of the human experience. We met over facebook neither of us looking for someone just one of those chance meetings hit it off completely, both incredibly similar when it comes to the deepest things but quite different on the outside. You can look up a bit of it on my personal blog at drdeb.com in the abuse section. Any advice on how to help her heal and begin to trust me again will be greatly appreciated. Hi Adarkwa He always told me he didnt want to lose me and would do everything for us to be together very often and that this would be temporary (2 years) and then would come back and wed have a kid (!) It looks like theyre trying too hard. This doesnt just happen in hit songs and Hollywood movies. One. She then a couple days later gets very wishy washy, I saw her at Starbucks and I didnt realize she was trying to give me a hug and she took 15 minutes to convince that I too wanted to hug her. When you fall into this trap again, remind yourself, I am a good person! What can i do to see him as my partner again? Finally, I realized that it wasnt the fact that I was a mean drunk, it was the fact that we had no time apart, that i was selfish when it came to him going out with his friends, that i was suffocating him, and he didnt realize it until i said itthat he wanted some alone time and that was the real reason we broke up. My ex-husband had severe PTSD from his abusive childhood and then our current wars. Ive had a very similar experience when i was married with kids. First of all, why dont you discuss this with your therapist? 4 months back my husband found out about him and I came clean. He found me. Hi What am i doing There, I cant help you. I knew that. He was on alprazalam (xanex) and nodding out on the couch instead. I have been an emotional mess and fell into a depression over this. We still kiss and have sex. The majority of people wouldnt recognize if theyd been controlling or needy. I would like to get some advice about my relationship with my partner of nearly 2 years. Im bothered by his lack of compassion, not your lack of listening. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. It might also be worth it to talk to him. Second of all, I dont know what you mean by Ive worked through my issues. The way I do therapy, there is a need to start with Self-Love because the lack of it causes people to feel like victims way too often. This carried on for around 6 months, until the silly arguments got too much for him and he walked away. Meanwhile, yes, you should both get counseling to help this process. Despite this, she got pregnant by hoodrat and still come to me for help till date. He has had a hard time forgiving me. Only now, when it is too late, do I realise how selfish I was. His not in her shoes with him, he was chatting up another too it was over, have. 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can you love someone again after hating them